Hoarse Sense

King David kills Goliath

2009-08-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

King David
Biblical Figure

Born: c. 1040 B.C.
Died: c. 970 B.C.

Birthplace: Bethlehem, Judea

Best known as: The child giant-slayer who became Israel's king

The heroic yet human life of David, ancient Israel's most important king, is told in the Biblical books 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings and 1 Chronicles. The eighth and youngest son of Jesse of Bethlehem, David is appointed to be court musician and armor-bearer for Israel's first king, Saul. The boy kills a giant enemy soldier, Goliath, becomes intimate friends with Saul's son, Jonathan, and eventually succeeds Saul as king. Under David's rule (circa 1010 to 970 B.C.), Israel's regions unite and win battles with surrounding enemies. Jerusalem comes to be known as the "City of David" and the center of government and worship. David's turbulent personal life includes adultery with a soldier's wife, Bathsheba, and the death of his own rebel son, Absalom. Before he dies he anoints another son, Solomon, the next king. David's lineage holds an honored place in two religions: Judaism, which awaits the coming of the "Messiah, son of David," and Christianity, whose scriptures trace Jesus's Davidic ancestry.

Extra credit: Many prayers and songs in the Biblical book of Psalms have headings that associate them with David. Their actual authorship is uncertain... Islam's Koran lists David as a prophet (Sura 6), noting in Sura 38 his repentance for his sin with Bathsheba... Michelangelo's sculpture of David is considered a classic of Renaissance art... The Star of David, a Jewish symbol in recent centuries, appears on the flag of the modern state of Israel.

Stupid young man?

2009-06-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is not only the youngster on the bicycle who qualifies as stupid. I wonder about the person who set up the course. Also, what about the man with the video camera? Take a look.

Failed Technology Predictions

2009-06-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

Throughout history man has been making predictions of the future. With the advent of technology, the predictions moved away from religious topics to scientific and technological. Unfortunately for the speakers, many of these failed predictions have been recorded for all future generations to laugh at. Here is a selection of some of the best.

1. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977.

2. “We will never make a 32 bit operating system.” — Bill Gates

3. “Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public … has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company …” — a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.

4. “There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States.” — T. Craven, FCC Commissioner, in 1961 (the first commercial communications satellite went into service in 1965).

5. “To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth – all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.” — Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926.

6. “A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.” — New York Times, 1936.

7. “Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical (sic) and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.” – Simon Newcomb; The Wright Brothers flew at Kittyhawk 18 months later.

8. “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, British mathematician and physicist, president of the British Royal Society, 1895.

9. “There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people

10. “Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality in 10 years.” -– Alex Lewyt, president of vacuum cleaner company Lewyt Corp., in the New York Times in 1955.

11. “This is the biggest fool thing we have ever done. The bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.” — Admiral William D. Leahy, Chief of Staff to the Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy during World War II, advising President Truman on the atomic bomb, 1945.[6] Leahy admitted the error five years later in his memoirs

12. “The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.” — Ernest Rutherford, shortly after splitting the atom for the first time.

13. “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932

14. “The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” -– Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916

15. “The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty – a fad.” — The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford’s lawyer, Horace Rackham, not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903

16. “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.

17. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — A memo at Western Union, 1878 (or 1876).

18. “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

19. “I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.” — HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901.

20. “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.

21. “The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” — Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.

22. “How, sir, would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you, excuse me, I have not the time to listen to such nonsense.” — Napoleon Bonaparte, when told of Robert Fulton’s steamboat, 1800s.

23. “Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.” — Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power).

24. “Home Taping Is Killing Music” — A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry.

25. “Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” — Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.

26. “[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

27. “When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” – Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson

28. “Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’ … As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.” — Martin Van Buren, Governor of New York, 1830(?).

29. “Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” — Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.

30. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” — Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter’s call for investment in the radio in 1921.

Information from Wikipedia
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The World Wide Web

2009-06-12T17:50:00.001-07:00

In 1990 the first successful trial run of the system which eventually became the World Wide Web was conducted. It would change our lives forever. Above is a photo of the first www setup.

Using concepts from earlier hypertext systems, the World Wide Web was started in 1989 by the English physicist Sir Tim Berners-Lee, now the Director of the World Wide Web Consortium, and later by Robert Cailliau, a Belgian computer scientist, while both were working at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland. In 1990, they proposed building a "web of nodes" storing "hypertext pages" viewed by "browsers" on a network,[1] and released that web in December.[2] Connected by the existing Internet, other websites were created, around the world, adding international standards for domain names & the HTML language. Since then, Berners-Lee has played an active role in guiding the development of Web standards (such as the markup languages in which Web pages are composed), and in recent years has advocated his vision of a Semantic Web.

The World Wide Web enabled the spread of information over the Internet through an easy-to-use and flexible format. It thus played an important role in popularizing use of the Internet.[3] Although the two terms are sometimes conflated in popular use, World Wide Web is not synonymous with Internet.[4] The Web is an application built on top of the Internet. (Information is from Wikipedia.)

Bob & the Blonde

2009-05-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Brilliance Personified

2009-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

The greatest personification of brilliance is found in our beloved nincompoop former President, Geo Dubya Brush. Look at these bloopers...maybe they're not bloopers. They were done as formal speeches.

More info than you want to know

2009-05-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body, to
squirt blood 30 feet.

(Wow!!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.

(Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, but maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What you doing with my head?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 time s a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

A bad cat day

2009-05-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Take a look at some frantic, bad cats.

Funny Accidents

2009-04-29T14:17:00.001-07:00

Want to see funny accidents on a short video? If so, click.

Newest Clouded Leopards

2009-03-31T16:45:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, the National Zoo made the discovery of twin clouded leopard cubs in the Conservation and Research Center of the zoo.

Hand raising of the babies seems to be the best policy since mother clouded leopards sometimes lose one or more cubs, sometimes by accidentally killing one or purposely destroying one. To more more sure of their survival, the babies are being cared for by humans.

These are the first of their kind to be born at this zoo in sixteen years. Their parents were brought in from Thailand last year. Obviously, the pair mated without anyone being aware of it.

Computer Addiction? Test to find out.

2009-03-26T18:27:00.001-07:00

Here's a quick and very simple test for you to take. This just proves that we have become WAY too 'dependent' on our computers.

Q. How many legs do you have?

A. To find out the answer, look down .. . ...

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LOOK down, not scroll down!

The Bathtub Test

2009-03-17T22:39:00.001-07:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Early Telephone Information

2009-03-12T16:51:00.001-07:00

In the first phone company, the four operators had to remember the names of about 200 customers. When John Smith wanted to call Tom Hardin, for instance, the operator knew which plug to put in which hole. When two of the four operators became sick with the measles, the doctor, who was also a part owner of the phone company, suggested numbering the customers so that temporary operators who didn't know all the customers by name, could work the system. This is how phone numbers came to be.

One elderly woman related this story: "We didn't used to dial phones. You would crank the phone in a code. Ours was two short and two long. Every neighbor had their own code. You dialed a short with about a half-turn of the crank, and a long was about a full turn. "Music was such a novelty, that sometimes one of the rare neighbors who had a phonograph would dial four longs, which was the signal for everyone on the line to pull down their receivers and listen. They would then wind up the Victrola and everyone would listen in wonder to the music. Of course, only one person in every family could listen to the receiver at a time, so everyone would take turns holding the thing to their ears, while the others in the family gathered around eagerly awaiting their turn."

Early in the history of telephones, there were about 300 competing phone companies in America. You could call only the people who did business with the same company as you.

People didn't really understand early telephones. Therefore, one advertisement stated: "Its employment necessitates no skilled labor, no technical education, and no special attention." This was in contrast to so much home equipment of the era.

Men Are Happier

2009-02-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Copper Wire

2009-02-26T14:09:00.000-08:00

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of a 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, "The Redneck Rebel Gazette" in Georgia reported the following:.. .......

After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone
wireless.

__._,_.___

Be Good to Your PC

2009-02-21T14:22:00.001-08:00

It is important to be good to your computer. Besides the fact that it has cost you a lot of money, it can be one of your best friends if you treat it well.

Cleaning it regularly, keeping its components in good shape and current, and showing pride in your computer will pay off well in the long run.

On the other hand, if you mistreat this valuable instrument, you may become very sorry. It has ways to respond to mistreatment.

Remember that action often brings reaction, even from one of your best tools.

Play this video for an example.

The Man on this Horse

2009-02-19T14:21:00.001-08:00

I do not know the man on the horse in this statue picture. However, I do know that he died in battle.

How would I know that when I do not even know who the man was?

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Best sleeping positions.

2009-02-13T04:18:00.000-08:00

Looking for a good night's sleep? Do you have problems trying to rest at nap time?

The best positions for getting a good rest are displayed by the models at this site. Click the words.

Cheapest & Best Home Security

2009-02-02T15:26:00.000-08:00

Keeping the family safe at a cost you can afford should be one of your most important issues in life.
Do you need one of these gizmos in order to be safe? Think about it. It is not cheap and possibly not too reliable.

Play this video for the best action to take.

The End of an Error

2009-01-24T02:33:00.000-08:00

The era (or error) began with Mrs. Harris in Florida at the end of the 2000 Presidential election. Thank God for January 20, 2009.

When the 'no-brainer' picked the one with 'no heart', the whole world began its eight years of suffering. Asia felt betrayed, Africa felt neglected, South America felt like finding a new friend to replace the USA.

And, of course, the Taliban rejoiced at the opportunities that opened for them. The world leader had no brain so could not even get off his chair when planes began hitting USA targets. He stayed in that second grade classroom to hear the rest of the children's story. The one with no heart helped to persuade 'no brain' that the destruction was caused by the WMDs in Iraq. The result was the war of the monkeys.

This picture is self-explanatory. No comment is needed for this one.

Homeland Security Change

2009-01-18T23:29:00.000-08:00

Homeland Security Bill Passed

Just wanted to let you know that the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a ''non intrusive method.' The FBI says you will hardly notice anything different.

For a demonstration, click on the link below:

Homeland Security

Odd or Funny Facts

2008-12-29T04:37:00.001-08:00

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Become a follower of this blog.

2008-12-29T04:34:00.000-08:00

Notice the right side of this blog. There below the quarter-horse is a spot called "Followers". Feel free to log onto my blog as a follower.

Thanks a lot!! Roger

Interested in MICHAEL JACKSON sing-along? Click
Michael Jackson (Karaoke CDGM) Karaoke

You Know You're a Redneck When....

2008-12-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

The Bus Ride

2008-12-23T05:37:00.001-08:00

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Bundaberg. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

How Can Life Exist?

2008-12-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

This question has bothered me for such a long time. No matter how science tries to explain the origin of life, it does not seem logical to me. There are elements in the scientific explanations which are somewhat rational, but how did the first living thing actually become a living thing?

This reminds me of an illustration that I have used several times in my ministry as a pastor and missionary. It goes like this:

An agnostic kept his opinions very public. He often talked loudly of how he did not believe in God, that everything happened according to scientific laws that nobody actually could explain.

A Christian man was quite tired of hearing this agnostic's views. Finally, the Christian man confronted the agnostic. He invited him to accompany him to his home to see something.

When they got inside, the Christian took the agnostic to the basement and turned on the light. Then, he turned on an electrical switch. The agnostic was really interested and studied the sight which took up much of the space in the basement. What he saw was a working model of the sun, the planets including Earth, and the moons around the various planets. The electric switch made the model move consistently with the movements of our solar system.

"Who made this?" was the agnostic's first question.

The Christian simply said, "Nobody."

The agnostic got the point. Something which is made needs a maker. Just as surely as someone made that model of the Solar System, the real thing also needed a maker. The only intelligent agent to fabricate such a perfect model is God.

I like this story, which is why I have used it several times. Still, I can't understand life. Why am I alive? How can I be alive? When did I start being alive? How long will I be alive? Will my life actually ever end? Will I not go on being who I am, even after this body dies? So many questions!!

An Incredible Story

2008-12-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming rubbish stories.

Do your feet smell?

2008-12-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

If your feet smell and your nose runs,

you are upside down.

Scroll down to find out how to know if your feet stink:

Reprint:Shepherds Learn of Jesus

2008-12-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

This is a reprint of a story I wrote on my other blog, In Love With Jesus Christ. It is a Christmas story written on the Scriptural account in the gospels of Matthew and Luke. Feel free to look at other short stories in this blog, too.

Roger Harris]

“Winter is coming, my brother,” said the ten-year old shepherd boy to his older brother as they protected their small flock of sheep. “It’s already getting cold. I feel it is too cold to be out here.”

“Another week or two, then we’ll corral the sheep for the winter. It’s cheaper to allow them to eat the grass than to carry food to them for several months,” was the response from the fourteen-year old brother.

Ten-year old Ibrahim pulled his cloak more closely to his very slim body, unable to hold back some shivering. He watched the sky a while, got up and stretched and then told his brother, “I think I’ll take a short nap, if it’s all right with you.”

“Sure, go ahead. I’ll awaken you after a couple of hours to you can relieve me while I sleep a little.”

The boy spread an old tattered blanket near his big brother and slowly found a comfortable spot. He looked over the rolling countryside, looking at the campfires of several other groups of men and boys watching their own flocks of sheep.

“Wish I could be a sheep,” he whispered to his brother.

Looking astonished, the older boy asked, “Why would you say that? I think it’s silly to want to be a sheep or any other thing besides what we are, Israelite boys with some sheep to sell in the spring.”

“Look at them,” the younger responded. “They aren’t shivering in the cold. They have heavy wool coats to keep them warm. They don’t have to work, just eat and sleep. They don’t even worry about where their food comes from. They trust us to keep them fed and watered and even to protect them.”

“True,” smiled his brother. “Still, we have the ability to think, to try to improve our lives and to trust God for our needs.”

“Yeah, God is taking care of us, just as we take care of our sheep.”

“Only better,” the older added. “We are mortals. We have our limitations. Sometimes we don’t see a problem until it is too late, until one of our precious animals has been attacked. God knows what dangers are present, things that we don’t know anything about. Our God watches over us much better than we could ever watch over our little flock of sheep.”

“You know, I sometimes wonder if the things that the scribes teach us are really true.” It was Ibrahim speaking.

“You are being improper, Ibrahim,” scolded the older boy. “You must not talk like that. It is against our teachings to question the scribes.”

“Just consider the things they teach us, the miracles of Moses, the feats of King David hundreds of years ago, even the Garden of Eden,” Ibrahim reasoned. “Why don’t we see the same things in our own day? Why do the scribes tell us that we are God’s favorite people when we can’t even have a king of our own? Why is Rome sending people to rule over us? Why don’t we see great things happening, things such as the parting of the sea or the pole which becomes a snake? There are lots of things that sound like Grandpa’s talk.”

“What do you mean? What is Grandpa’s talk?”

“You know. Grandpa tells stories that are kind of hard to believe. He even tells predictions about the future, predictions which have been around for centuries and have not ever happened.”

“I think you are doing too much independent thinking, Ibrahim,” his brother scolded again. “Our duty is to accept the teachings of our religious leaders without questioning them.”

“How about the…?”

“Just go to sleep, brother,” demanded the teenaged brother.

Ibrahim rolled over onto his side and pulled the old blanket up around his neck, closing his eyes. He reached over and patted his older brother on the knee, saying, “Don’t let me sleep too long. You need to sleep, too.”

Soon the heavy breathing signaled that Ibrahim was beginning to sleep. The older boy continued to watch the sky, to look over their little flock and to add some sticks to their small campfire. His facial expression changed a bit when he thought he saw a shooting star far over the horizon. However, this star did not fade away in a couple of seconds as shooting stars always do.

The older boy noticed that a few other shepherds from the other flocks stood up to see the same star that he was watching. Although he could not hear their words, he heard some of the shepherds talking about the star. They were pointing toward it. More and more shepherds began to notice the star. It seemed to be getting larger and brighter, as if it was coming closer to them.

He noticed that the noise of the sheep had diminished and finally became quiet. That was unusual, hearing no sounds from the sheep, even in the nighttime. He stood up to try to see the light better, deciding that this was not a shooting star at all. It was too bright and clearly approaching them.

Ibrahim also woke up, noticing the unusual quietness of the night. “Is something wrong? I don’t hear our sheep bleating.” He looked toward his standing brother and then looked in the direction of the light.

Suddenly, the bright light was upon the whole area. The little town of Bethlehem, their hometown, always had a few visible lights at night that the shepherds could see. Now, however, the town was lighted up, not by the lanterns and candles but by some strange light from above. It was not the same as sunlight, not at all. They had never seen a light of this type before.

“Don’t be afraid.” The voice seemed to come from the brightness above and around them. “I am bringing you good news. It is the news that you have heard for centuries. The time has come for the Savior to be born. He is the Christ Who has come to save all people.”

The voice, though very strong, did not scare them, especially after hearing it say that it had good news. Ibrahim, like the other shepherds around this rolling countryside, did not know what to do. Should he stand or lie down or kneel? Should he try to speak or only listen for more messages from the light?

In a few seconds, the light seemed to form a shape. It looked somewhat like the figures of cherubim, the type of angels which had decorated the Ark of the Covenant, which nobody knew how to find any more.

Ibrahim’s brother said, “It’s an angel! They’re real! This is an angel!”

Again, the angel’s voice came loud and clear. “You will find this Savior in the form of a baby, a human baby. He is now in Bethlehem, the city of David, which is where the prophet foretold to be His birthplace. He is not in a palace but in a barn with a manger as His bed.”

As if this were not enough, quickly the people on the hillsides could see many, many more angelic type of creatures in this strong light. There were far too many to count. They also began speaking. Although each of them was speaking, their message was clear, “Praise and glory to God on high. He declares His goal of peace with mankind. He has good will toward men everywhere.”

In an instant, the angels were gone, and the light disappeared. It took a while for the men’s eyes to adjust again to the darkness of the night. The sheep again returned to their animal sounds. Things seemed just as they had been before the light and the angels.

Commotion became rampant. Various shepherds left their flocks to go to talk to a neighboring shepherd about this happening.

“My mother told me to stop drinking while tending the sheep,” said one of them. “Now, I’m seeing things and hearing things. I must stop.”

“It’s not the drink, Josiah,” said another shepherd. “This is real. Maybe someone can try to watch all of the sheep so the rest of us can go to Bethlehem to see the baby.”

After some time, they arranged several shifts to watch sheep while others went to find the baby. They agreed that the ones who went first would come back and let the others go to see Him if they wanted to.

Ibrahim was in the first group to go search for the new Savior in the little town. “May I take some kind of gift for Him?” he asked his brother.

“I wish we had something to give,” the brother agreed, “but all we have are some sheep.”

“I will go to see the baby. Then, when I get back here, we will decide about giving Him something,” Ibrahim suggested.

Ibrahim and the others in the first shift to go seek the baby wandered through Bethlehem. It was a small town so the search was not as hard as they imagined. The angel had told them that the baby was in a barn. Only one barn seemed to have any light in it.

With permission from Joseph, they entered the barn and carefully looked in the manger. He looked like any other Hebrew baby, very much like the younger brothers or sons that some of the shepherds had in their own homes.

After talking with Mary and Joseph, the parents of the baby, they returned to the fields so that another group could come and see the baby.

Ibrahim’s brother was very excited when the group returned to the fields. However, he was upset that Ibrahim was not among the returnees. One of them told him that Ibrahim was so impressed that he want to their father’s house to tell the rest of the family about this that they had witnessed. “He will be back soon so you can go to see Him, too,” one of them told the teenaged boy.

Finally, Ibrahim returned to watch the sheep so his brother could go to see the baby. “Here, take this to give to him,” said Ibrahim. It was a shiny metal pendant that Ibrahim had won in a contest a few years earlier. “I can’t think of any other thing to give Him.”

None of the shepherds slept much that night. They talked among themselves, comparing observations and opinions. It was clear, however, that all of them had become believers in the “grandpa talk” and in the miracles that they had heard about.

In the next days, people from Bethlehem searched the rolling countryside where the shepherds had witnessed the angelic presence and heard the announcement. Several people visited the barn in which the baby had been born. Mary and Joseph and the baby were no longer there after Joseph took care of the taxation affairs which had brought them to Bethlehem in the first place. They had returned to Galilee.

People from the little town of Bethlehem were largely changed. Some skeptics remained, but most of the town felt that the shepherds had really seen angels and heard angel voices that night. Most of the shepherds seemed different after that night. Drinking and swearing became things of the past. The shepherds became more serious, talking about eternal matters and spiritual matters. The scribes in the little town noticed, too, that there was much more interest in their sermons and their teachings from the writings of Moses and the prophets.

Regardless that the baby was not heard from for many years after that, the men who had witnessed this event were changed. They cultivated spiritual conversations and spent much time listening to the reading of the old scriptures. Many of those shepherds died before Jesus of Nazareth became such a popular figure about thirty years later. Ibrahim, however, did get to see the baby in His years of popularity. He spent much time listening to Jesus’ sermons and trying to understand His teachings.

“I could feel the love that the angels had for the Savior Baby that night,” recalled Ibrahim as he told his own children about that night. “They clearly loved Him very much. Now that I have heard His sermons a few times, I feel a closeness to Him, too. I remember what He once said, that He was very approachable and lowly in His own heart.”

Things which will soon be extinct in USA

2008-12-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages
industry. Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed
dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages
(IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services
like Reach Local and Yodle Factors like an acceleration of the print 'fade rate'
and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research
firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages
could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate
seen in past years.

23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that
newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a
long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could
signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if
newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like
Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster
keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000
left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down
considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of
Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed
up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop
stores have given up the ghost already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in
2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high
speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but
pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.

20. Phone Landlines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health
Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and,
of those homes that had landlines, one in eight only received calls on
their cells.

19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in
Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million
pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million
pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal
count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think
they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Overfishing, pollution,
invasive species and global warming get the blame.

18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a
best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely
decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact,
the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are
blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS
decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990s, a pretty, irridescent green species of
beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North
America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less than a decade,
its larvae have killed millions of trees in the midwest, and continue to
spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern
Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana. More
than 7.5 billion ash trees are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide)
wireless communications with each other and are able to support their
communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while
increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory.
However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has
caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the
number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000,
even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming
a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like
Robert Every in High Falls, N.Y., are shutting them down out of worry that if
someone gets hurt they'll sue. And that's exactly what happened in
Seattle. The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a
fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur
and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.

14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is
directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to
USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159%
between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad in New York; since 2000,
landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise,
many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer
answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid
disappearance of the film camera in America. Just look to companies like
Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it
announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the
shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from
digital cameras and equipment.

12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes,
100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green
movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb
(CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The
EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and
these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb
market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out
incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
BowlingBalls.US claims there are still 60 million Americans
who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone
bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for
all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game
arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have
been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities,
hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950,
over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963,
it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent.
Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline
in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket,
better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen
still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying
breed.

9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183
billion e-mails were sent each day. Two million each second. By November
of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of
the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004,
half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt
increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble
is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million
horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National
Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population had decreased to
about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory
board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western
states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land
Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000,
possibly by selective euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of
consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years,
while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment
remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being.
Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71%
of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a
check. However, on a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of
consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in
2003).

6. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in
theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still
operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one
reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a
movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and
mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States. In 1964, 212,000
cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped
to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous vaccination program. Prior to the introduction
of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were
reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66
cases were recorded.

4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so
dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our
food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD,
has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out
50% to 90% of the colonies of many beekeepers -- and along with it, their
livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over
the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the
diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that
all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million
viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.

2. Analog TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of
homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or
satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals --
who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local
stations, change is in the air. If you are one of these people you'll need
to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which
will only be broadcast in digital.

1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930s, the number of family farms has been
declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the
nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003
farm census (data from the 2007 census hasn't yet been published). Ninety-one
percent of the U.S.farms are small family farms.

Is it a 'real' Rolex?

2008-12-07T04:15:00.000-08:00

You want a 'real' Rolex watch, not the imitations that you get email spam about. How can you know if a so-called Rolex is real or a fake?

The web site which gives you detailed information about the real verses the fake is here in case you want more detail than I present on this blog.

There are nine items that you should look for when considering whether a Rolex is real or phoney:

1. The weight of the watch should seem heavy, not light at all.
2. The dial face should be of crystal, not plastic.
3. The magnifier bubble over the date on the watch should be perfect and present.
4. The second hand should run smoothly around the clock face instead of ticking from second to second.
5. The bracelet, when viewed from the back side, should be perfect and have no flawed links. Also, the bracelet should clearly match the watch itself.
6. The back of the watch should NOT be clear. Rolex has not ever made any see-through backs to enable you to view the working parts inside.
7. Look for a crown emblem on the winding stem. If it is glued on, it is a fake watch.
8. The winding seal is not loose but is firmly attached.
9. Inspect the hologram seal on the back of the watch. If the sticker does not change in appearance when you view it from a different direction, it is a fake.

If you can afford to pay the price of a real Rolex watch, you deserve a real Rolex watch. Do not allow yourself to be deceived.

Cowboy Humor

2008-11-29T23:10:00.000-08:00

Quotations

"Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town."
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a drunk cowboy from any direction.
If you've done it. it ain't braggin'!
"A bronc' rider should be light in the head and heavy in the seat."
"Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin's get ahead of his earnin's."

Cowboy Jokes

COWBOY & THE PREACHER
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

A cowboy lost his favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the
range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Cowboy in Australia

A cowboy from Texas goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Who Owns Hard Rock Cafe?

2008-11-28T18:59:00.000-08:00

Well, most of the Hard Rock Cafes, four Hard Rock Hotels, two Hard Rock Hotel & Casinos combos and three Hard Rock Live! concert venues are now owned by people from the American Indian tribe that the man in the photo is a member of.

The tribe paid $965 Million for the package in 2006. Although the original Hard Rock Cafe near Hyde Park in London is not in the deal, its name was changed when the take-over was culminated.

The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas is also not in the deal to the native American tribe. It was bought Morgan's Hotel Group.

The Indians which bought the Hard Rock group is one which never signed a peace treaty with the USA. There are two branches of the tribe, one in Oklahoma and one in Florida.

Yes, of course, the Seminoles.

Student Versions of World History

2008-11-27T02:20:00.000-08:00

As a retired school teacher, I realize that kids can be funny. Sometimes it is on purpose and many times because of their misunderstanding of what they supposedly learned.

Here are a few examples of the latter:

*Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

*Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlos mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

*The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

*One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Raul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

*Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg n the back of an envelope. he also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Admendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 13, 1965, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat bye one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

*Back was the most famous composes in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

*The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

*The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

And many, many more school kid errors.

Funny Ways to Save Money

2008-11-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

The following are real suggestions, and then there are some funny ways to save money that you really shouldn't try.
Funny Ways To Save Money - The Real Suggestions

A creative penny pincher found a way to save money on a car wash. He washed his entire car using the squeegee at the gas station.

A woman confessed that she has the kids stuff their pockets with the free ketchup, salt and other condiment packets every time they were in a fast food restaurant. That's not all, though. She actually had the kids squeeze ketchup and mustard from the packets into regular jars of ketchup and mustard, and claims she hasn't bought these condiments in years.

To save money on an umbrella, one man suggests going to the lost and found department of any large public library. Tell them you lost a black umbrella. They will have several, from which you can pick the best one and claim it as your own.

Call people long-distance when you know they won't be home. Leave a message for them to call. That way, they pay for the long-distance call.

Don't pay baby sitters! Get young couples who are thinking about having kids to "rent" yours for the evening. They get to see what it will be like, and you can get paid instead of paying for sitters.

Turn off the TV and all the lights to save electricity. Tell the kids it's a game of hide-and-seek.

Train your dog to beg for food from strangers, so you won't have to buy dog food.

Visit friends around dinner time to get free meals.

If I write a book on ways to save money, funny or not, will I make much in sales, or will everyone take my suggestion and borrow it from the library instead of buying it?

Do You Want to Eat Here?

2008-11-22T04:55:00.001-08:00

In Silicon Valley ###HARD DISK CAFÉ

Chinese Place ###POOH PING PALACE

Kosher Chinese ###SHALOM HUNAN

Japanese Place ###MISO HAPI

San Francisco Bar ###CLUB FOOT

Thai Restaurant ###THAI-TANIC

Rib Place ###BONES

Hot Dog Place ###FRANK-N-STEIN’S

Thai Restaurant ###THAIPHOONS

Seafood Shack ###SEA SENOR

Jewish Place ###LOX STOCK AND BAGEL

Korean Diner ###SEOUL MAN

Virginia Restaurant ###I DUNNO

Another Virginia ###I DUNNO EITHER
Restaurant nearby

Arizona Place ###MY BIG FAT GREEK RESTAURANT

Coffee Shop ###UNCOMMON GROUNDS

Bahama Seafood ###STONED CRAB

Hong Kong Place ###AH CHOO NOODLE HOUSE

Vegan Deli ###HOLY CHOW

Virginia Place ###NACHO MAMA’S

Seafood Place ###CRABBY OYSTER

A Woman Pulled Over for Speeding

2008-11-15T02:15:00.000-08:00

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman : Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman : Murdered the owner?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

New Parking Law

2008-11-07T14:43:00.001-08:00

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots...especially during evening hours...the Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Tesco shopping center. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh !

Business Mergers

2008-11-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMM Good.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!

Looking For Work

2008-10-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.
__._,_.___
If you are seriously looking for a job, click this link.Free: An easier Way to Change Jobs

What to retired people do for fun?

2008-10-17T19:21:00.001-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi crook.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a dirt-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
__._,_.___

Message from The Queen

2008-10-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

To the Citizens of the United States of America

>From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.

5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

9.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).

11.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

12.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

13.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.

God Save the Queen

Porridge Facts

2008-10-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

Nearly every American recognizes this man, the Quaker man used as the logo of the oatmeal company. Even outside the USA, this friendly face beckons people to stock up on oatmeal.

What is oatmeal? Why is it important to us? How do they make it so we can simply add hot water? When is Oatmeal Month? What else can we do with oatmeal besides use it for breakfast cereal?

Oatmeal month is January of each year. That is the cold month in the northern hemisphere, the month for having hot cereal for the beginning of the day.

It seems inconceivable that 80% of American families have oatmeal in their kitchen cabinets. No, it is NOT an old-people's food.

Quaker Oatmeal was the first breakfast cereal in the USA to have a registered trademark. It was also the first to offer trial-size packages. The trademark logo of the Quaker man has been updated only three times since 1877 when it first hit the market.

How do they make it? After the hull has been removed from the oat grain, it is called a groat. The old-fashioned oatmeal has had the groat steamed and rolled but not cut. On a stovetop, the old-fashioned oats that I grew up on takes five minutes to cook in boiling water. The quick groats that are ready to eat in a minute or less are groats that have been cut into three pieces (more or less) and steamed and rolled. This is the kind that I have nearly every morning nowadays.

Most people add milk to the cooked porridge (oatmeal). I usually make mine with hot water, milk powder and sugar. I use the instant variety.

What else can be done with oatmeal? Of course, oatmeal cookies are made with it. Some people also use it to make a bread. It makes a nice filler for meatloaf to keep it from being too wet.

Oats was one of the first cereals to be cultivated by humans. In China as far back as 7000 BC, oats was being raised as a food crop. As far as being made into a porridge, which is what oatmeal actually is, the ancient Greeks were the first to do it.

My favorite breakfast is oatmeal, a couple slices of crisp bacon and orange juice or hot tea. Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day.

Underestimating a Woman?

2008-09-30T18:48:00.002-07:00

A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend...and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.

( never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman!!!)

His Son's Long Hair

2008-09-24T02:34:00.001-07:00

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man was ready for the question. "You know, Dad," he said, " I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Preparing to Become a Vet

2008-09-07T17:16:00.001-07:00

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked and hesitated for several minutes, but eventually, each took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Do You Turn Off Your PC at Night?

2008-08-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

When you go to bed at night and "forget to shut down the computer", I think you should know what actually goes on.

It is 2 a.m. You are asleep. The computer is still "on". Are you aware of where your icons are and what they are doing?

Just to open your eyes, turn on your sound. Then, click HERE.

Wait until it loads and see your icons at play.

What to Do with a Dead Horse

2008-08-14T17:21:00.001-07:00

Young Jack, moved to Wagga Wagga and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up with no trailer and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.'

Jack replied, ' That's OK. Then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went downtown and spent it already.'

Jack said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Jack said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Jack said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Jack and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Jack said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Jack said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Jack eventually grew up and and now works as a Real Estate agent.

The Duck Is Really Dead

2008-08-12T20:53:00.001-07:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's

surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your
Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.

'How can you be so sure?' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, took it out and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet just shrugged, and said, 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150."

Elderly Road Trip

2008-08-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

Remind you of anyone you know?

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Well....my job is done. Your turn.

The difference between a pony and a horse

2008-08-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

There is more than one way to differentiate between horses and ponies, but one of the most common
ways is by measuring the height of the animal from hoof to withers (See photo).

According to this method, a horse is more than 14.2 hands in height. A pony is 14.2 hands or less.

A hand is the width of a human hand or 4 inches. So a horse should be 56.9 inches or taller. It seems rather inconvenient to put your hand on the hoof and another hand above that one and another above that one, etc. There are now measuring sticks for determining a horse's height.

A pony, and there are many sub-species of them, is any horse which is 14.2 hands or less in height. A pony is NOT a baby horse. Ponies do not grow up to become horses. They are shorter in height by nature although they tend to be stronger than horses when you consider their size against the size of a horse.

The babies of both horses and ponies are called 'foals'. The males can be called 'colts'.

In a manner of speaking, the 'cousin' of horses and
ponies is the donkey.

How do you suppose we came up with this Zorse?

You Gotta Be Careful on the Internet

2008-08-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

Do not be so stupid as to overuse your

MOUSE.

I used mine too much, trying to make people come to my websites.

See what happens if you do too much, spend too many hours online
and do not show enough respect for your mouse.

Click HERE

Dubya's Home State

2008-07-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

You really should apologize. It's too bad you were a 'right to life' state when he was conceived.

Disorder in the Court

2008-07-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you fooling me?

__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
I saved the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Medical Entries on Hospital Charts

2008-07-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

It Happened in the USA.

2008-07-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, it's open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi - rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

Which Genius Is It?

2008-07-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

It seems that genius is often one-sided. A person can be a genius as far as a particular subject matter is concerned but almost a moron in other matters of life. Here is one genius and his particular eccentric ways.

He never learned to drive a car. I wonder why since driving a car is not such a difficult feat.

His interest in science seemed to be inaugurated by interest in a compass that his father gave him when he was about five years of age. Actually, many geniuses had this experience.

A syndrome was named after him, one which many genius children have. He did not speak much at all as a child but seemed to have some impediment in his speaking. He would practice what he wanted to say before saying it.

He fathered an illegitimate child before he finally married the child's mother. The marriage was not at all successful and became a purely legal situation with no intimacy after a few years.

Although he was a pacifist, he encouraged the building of the atom bomb. The USA army, however, considered this genius to be a security risk and did not allow him to help with the building of the bomb.

Who is this scientist who published The Theory of Special Relativity?

A New & Boring Subject--Chess

2008-07-13T04:27:00.001-07:00

The game of kings and queens, what I mean is the game that kings and queens are supposed to really enjoy playing. I wonder why. Anyhow, let's think of some facts that you may not have known about this old game.

Of course, the word that chess players want to be able to truthfully say is "Check Mate". What does that phrase mean, and where did it originate? My source says that the term is from Iran (Persia before the country name change). The Persian phrase is "Shah Mat" carrying the meaning "the king is dead". In the game, when a player is at the point of saying "Check mate", he is the winner of the match. It is the point of the game, actually.

Guess what! Iran does not allow the playing of chess since the rule of Ayatolla Khomeini. The religious leader of the country claimed that the game could cause damage to the brain. In my opinion, the game may cause damage to a relationship if the chess player spends too much time online with chess matches.

We use a derivation of a chess word in our everyday language in English. The word 'rookie' is derived from the chess piece, the rook. Usually, the rook is one of the last pieces to play in chess. A rookie on a sports team is usually one of the last team players to be used in a real match.

Did I mention that I find the game boring? Well, according to theory, the longest chess game possible involved 5949 moves. I wonder how the person who counts those moves stays awake.

For board games with squares, I think checkers is superior, mostly because you can win or lose within about ten minutes. I may be too intelligent to want to spend hours on a board game when there are important things with which to use my time.

First Country on Earth to Outlaw Smoking?

2008-07-09T17:07:00.001-07:00

It's a small place. The entire country covers only around one hundred square miles. It is a tropical paradise, at least it is tropical even if not exactly paradisical.

No shopping malls, no good surfing sites, no horseback riding since the pastures are missing, beaches are not the best in the world. In fact, water at the shore quickly drops off to deep spots.

NO SMOKING, though. Whoopee!! No second-hand smoke for us non-smokers. At least, that is what is being proposed. It make take a couple of years to accomplish, but the local government has considered making NIUE the first non-smoking country in the world.

The island is northeast of New Zealand by about 1500 miles. One of the towns has already decided to be smoke-free.

Go to this URL for more information about Niue: About Niue

What About This Thing?

2008-07-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

You all know that I love horses, but what is this thing? Is it a horse? Why have I never seen one?

Yes, it's a unicorn. Is it a mythical creature? If so, why do I see its name in the Holy Bible?

One old song says that the reason we don't see them now is that they were mischievous during the loading of Noah's Ark and did not get on the boat. They all perished.

Those who claim it is a myth also say that it is a good creature rather than the bad creatures that myths often create. According to some old references the animal is fierce but in a good way. They also make claims about its solitary beauty. Some claim that the appendage on its head can make poisons non-toxic.

It is usually considered to be some type of horse nowadays although in the past it was pictured as having the beard of a billy goat and split hoofs, which horses do not have.

Although the animal is usually considered a 'wild' animal, it is lovable, just as the Koala or Panda are lovable. The creature seems to have preferred to not be around people but was gentle when it was forced to be with them.

Since I love horses, I would really like to see one for myself.

FREE Land in the USA

2008-07-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

Would you like to own land in some particular state of the USA? Whether you would choose an exotic place such as Alaska or Hawaii or a more American type of place such as the Midwest, there is no charge if you use the services of a company called American Acres, Inc.

For all of the details go to their web site American Acres as they have some restrictions. Among those restrictions are the fact that you cannot sell the land for profit. Also, you may not retire on the land or build on it.

You may choose any state in the Union or even ask for land in every state. This program has been approved by the United States Securities and Exchange Commission.

Click on the link (above) for the particulars about this program.

Sorry! Time for Blond Jokes

2008-07-01T01:44:00.000-07:00

We all know that we are not supposed to pick on ethnic groups. It is not nice or respectful. That is why I am not printing Polock jokes here.

Blonds are not of any ONE particular ethnic group. Thus, I can write things about them and their way of seeing the world, a way which does not always make sense to me.

Be aware that my oldest son is a blond. My wife had streaks of blond mixed in with the brunette and red in her hair. Of course, being part American Indian myself, I have no blond hair at all.

A FEW BLOND JOKES FOLLOW:

Q. How can you tell that a blond has been using the word processor?
A. By the spots of correction fluid on the monitor screen.

Q. What do a blond and a Pepsi Cola bottle have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. Why did the blond keep a coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A. In case she ever locks her keys in the car.

Q. What did the blond say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A. Oh, look, a box of donut seeds.

Q. What did the blond name her pet zebra?
A. Spot

Q. What goes, "VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH"?
A. A blond going through a flashing red light.

Q. When a blond ordered a pizza, the clerk asked if he should cut it into six or twelve pieces.
A. Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Q. Did you hear about the blond who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Enough of that nonsense. Maybe I will publish something more sensible next time.

Left is right; right is wrong

2008-06-29T04:49:00.000-07:00

That is what I learned when I lived in London for a few months. "Left is right and right is wrong." Later, I lived in the Cayman Islands and learned that they feel that way about it, too. Even later, I lived in Bangkok, Thailand. Yep, they, too, think that left is right and right is wrong.

They should be able to read this line, at least the first part of it.

,siht daer nac uoy fI

?esenihC era uoy ebyam

If you can read this,

Maybe you are Chinese?

The first part is written from right to left and says the same thing as the second portion.

To help clear up my ramblings, let me explain. As an American, I believe that the right side of the road is the right side of the road on which to drive and that the left side of the road is the wrong side of the road for driving.

The Brits (and their former colonies) feel that the right side is the wrong side of the road and that the left side is the right side of the road on which to drive.

Makes sense, right? (I mean, correct?)

I wonder who has the right to say which side is correct. To me it feels write (or rite) (or right) to drive on the right.

Collect Telephone Calls

2008-06-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

Do you know what are the biggest days of the year for receiving collect telephone calls? Here is a list of the top three:

3. Third biggest day for getting collect calls is Valentine's Day. How thoughtful is your darling to remember you on the special "Love Day"! Can you imagine the phone ringing and the operator telling you, "You have a collect call from your girlfriend. Will you accept the charges?"

2. The second largest day of collect calls is Mom's Day in May. "You have a collect call from your son in Montana. Will you accept the charges, Mother?" "Of course, put him on." It is so nice to know that he loves me enough to call my on Mother's Day, even if I must pay the cost.

1. Number one on the list for most collect calls is Father's Day. Dear old Dad deserves a call from his offspring. However, my own telephone bill is unpaid. I doubt they will let me make a call unless Dad will pay for it.

In the year 1992, 83 million calls were made on Father's day. However, Mother;s Day had 106 million calls. The hooker, though, is that 27 percent of those of Father's Day were COLLECT calls.

Let's just say that....

2008-06-22T04:07:00.000-07:00

Stretching the truth is not actually lying, is it? I mean, if it is a lie, it is only a white one, right?

Maybe a half lie will work. A half lie is half true, I guess, so it isn't all as bad as a completely false lie.

"Be sure your sin will find you out," says the writer of inspiration. In other words, no matter how well we hide our error or our fault, some day the truth will be exposed.

Consider this little story:

These boys really hated their first period high school class. None of them did well under that particular teacher. They connived and came up with a plan.

They skipped that first period class and decided to say that there was a car problem if the teacher ever asked them. It was not true, of course, but who would know?

Later that day, when they got to school, they went to their second period class. It was more to their liking. However, when that class ended and they went into the hallway of the school to go to the third period class, their first period teacher saw them and cornered them. She asked them to come to her home room at the end of the school day to make up work that they missed in class that day. They reluctantly agreed.

After the final class of the day, those four boys went to the first period teacher's home room. She asked them why they were absent from her class that day. One of the boys said, "We had a flat tire."

"You need to take a short quiz, boys," the teacher told them. She assigned them seats around the classroom. She asked them to take out a sheet of paper on which to write. When they had complied, she wrote on the blackboard only one question.
"Which tire was flat?"

Be sure your sin will find you out.

Burma Shave

2008-06-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

People under the age of fifty may not be aware of those Burma Shave signs along America's highways. Their pithy verses often had great lessons for travelers. The red and white signs were spaced far enough apart that you could read them comfortably while driving at the normal speed of 55 mph. Here is an example for those who don't know what they were.

A drive along a country road often brought smiles, even laughter, to everyone in the car as they read the sayings.

At first, the company used the signs only to advertise its product, a brushless shaving cream. Later, the rhyming verses had a message in addition to the final sign which said, "Burma Shave".

Guess what has happened. The signs are no longer used, and neither is Burma Shave. When Interstate highways came along, such signs were not used and would not have been read much if they had continued to be used.

Here are a few of the witty Burma Shave sign messages:

Drinking drivers,
Nothing worse.
They get the quart
Before the hearse.
Burma Shave.

You'll love your wife;
You'll love her paw.
You'll even love
Your mother-in-law
If you use Burma Shave
Burma Shave.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

2008-06-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was... How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns ---- All three missed it --

This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance. It is very fascinating.

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?

21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute, which is

The highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?

21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time
And if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes,

Twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be

Between 5' 10' and 6' 2' tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30'. Other

Requirements of the Guard: They must commit 2 years of life to guard the

Tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on

Or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the

Rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in

Any way. After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on

Their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only

400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their

Lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat

And cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the

Top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty is
In front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor

Watch TV. All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid

To rest in Arlington National Cemetery . A guard must memorize who they are

And where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe

E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most

Decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for

Guard duty.

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington , DC , our

US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC

Evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the

Hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of

The Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They

Respectfully declined the offer, 'No way, Sir!' Soaked to the skin,

Marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding

The Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be

Afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,

24/7, since 1930.

God Bless and keep them.

Dictionary Definition

2008-06-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

M-W Dictionary definition:

chickenhawk: a hawk that preys or is believed to prey on chickens.

Other Dictionary's definition:

Chickenhawk: A US President or Congressman who was afraid to fight when in the military service, making excuses instead of risking his own life, but who becomes a strong advocate of pushing other people's children into the devastation of a war he creates to put himself into the history books.

Let's show mercy to the turkey.

Runs in the family, I guess.

I Wonder What They Used Before.

2008-06-13T00:04:00.001-07:00

We used pages from the Montgomery Ward Catalog or Sears Roebuck Catalog when I was a kid.

We did not like to use the colored pages as they were stiffer and less pleasant than the black and white pages. My parents kept a catalog in the outhouse for that purpose. That was when our house was 'five rooms and a path' as they said it back then.

I have read that the Chinese invented the idea around 589 AD. The first foreigners to confirm that the Chinese used it were Arabs in 851 AD.

Even after the bidet was invented sometime after 1700 AD, the paper was still more popular among the masses. That bidet was expensive and besides, who wants a wet behinder after doing the business?

I wonder about a side issue of this subject. I wonder what they used before this product when it came to TPing trees.

My 1964 Corvette??

2008-06-11T03:28:00.000-07:00

How well I remember my 1964 Corvair---or was it a Corvette? I always had problems with those names which were so much alike, and of course, made by the same company.

My Corv.... was light brown in color and looked so much like that car pictured above. I drove that thing everywhere. It was a used car when I bought it but as nice as any new car. Gas mileage was good enough. There was no rust when I bought it. It drove so easily and with the small size, it was a cinch to park.

When I finally retired the car because it became harder to keep up when it got old, I parked in behind our garage. After a while, a neighbor wanted to buy it and offered a really great price. He wanted to use it for parts for another Corv.... that he had. I hated to sell it. Still, it was doing nobody any good parked behind the garage.

Whenever I say that I owned a 1964 Corvette, people wonder how a poor boy could afford such a car.

That is when someone gets the bright idea of showing me a picture like this one. That is not the kind of car I had. Mine is like the one above, a Corv.....??

Clean Your Ears!

2008-06-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

Doctors tell us to put nothing smaller than our elbow into our ears. Of course, your own elbow can't be positioned to be put into your ear. Still, the idea is to keep the Q-Tips out.

Many people are now using a new technique instead of the Q-Tip in the ear. It is an ear cone, sometimes called an ear candle. It uses real fire to clean the ears, they say.

Magnetic attraction or convection is said to pull old wax, old dead skin that has accumulated over several years and any other strange things from the ears and into the cone. The cone can be bought online or made at home. It is made of muslin cloth and beeswax. It is shaped into a cone form so the small end can be inserted into the ear. A paper plate is often used to keep any drips from the flaming cone from getting onto the patient's face. Put a hole through a paper plate, and insert the cone point through the hole and into the ear.

They tell me it sometimes snaps, crackles and pops just like rice krispies are said to do. The ear feels much cleaner after the process ends around 40 minutes later. The inverted cone drops out all types of unpleasant stuff that has been inside your head.

Medical people tend to avoid ear coning procedures since the FDA has not approved it yet. Also, their insurance agents probably warn against having open flames near the patients.

If you have experienced this procedure, please give the readers a report. Your opinion will be appreciated.

We Share Everything

2008-06-04T03:51:00.000-07:00

A young man encountered an aged couple in a Macdonald's Restaurant. He watched them for some time. He noticed that the older lady found a booth for them while the old man ordered food. It did amaze him somewhat that the old man ordered a Big Mac, a large order of French fries and a large drink.

When the old man carried the food to the table where the Mrs. was sitting, he smiled at the young observer. The young guy finally got nerve enough to begin conversation.

"I see you ordered only one Big Mac, one order of fries and a large drink. I also notice that you have two straws in the drink," he casually offered. "Is there a reason why only one of you is eating?"

"No, young fellow," the old man said. "We share everything. We've been married for over forty years and have always shared everything."

The old man paused to carefully break the Big Mac into two equal pieces. He and the woman divided the fries. Since there was an uneven number of fries in the package, they broke one into two pieces so each of them had the same amount.

"I am impressed," said the young man. "Such love for each other is hard to find nowadays."

"Yes, that is correct," the old man responded. Then, he began eating his half of the Big Mac and fries. The woman just sat and watched.

The inquisitive youngster again interrupted."Sir, you said you share everything, but your wife is just watching while you are eating. Can you explain that to me?"

"Of course," the old man said. "We are sharing everything in this meal, just as we share nearly every other aspect of life."

"I beg to differ, Sir," the young man said. "You are eating; she is watching. That does not look to me as if you are sharing."

"We share everything, young man," said the old man.

"Why is she not eating, then?" the inquisitor queried.

"She is waiting for my teeth," was the old man's answer.

Prayer for a Happy Marriage

2008-06-04T03:42:00.000-07:00

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, " that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Now for the prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death because I don't know how to crochet.

Dumb As a Doorknob

2008-06-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Where does this phrase, which accurately relates to "Dubya" Bush, come from? Did it originate with Bush? I doubt it as he is not bright enough to think of such
a phrase.

In fact, William Sheakespeare used a similar phrase, "dumb as a doornail", in Henry VI, part 2.

Another famous Brit also used it. Charles Dickens used the phrase "dumb as a doornail" in his well-known Christmas Carol.

A doornail was the nail that the doorknocker rested on. Actually, it was a plate or a knob. A doornail which was dead was a used one that had its tip mashed after it was pounded into the door so it could not be used again.

Besides this, you may have heard the phrase "if walls could talk,....". Walls can't talk; they are dumb, as in unable to speak. The phrase "deaf and dumb" relates to this quality.

In the most recent US political situation, the former Chief of Staff of the White House, is not "dumb as a doorknob"; he speaks well for what he witnessed while around Dubya and his gang.

A few Bushisms which reveal his intellectual capacity follow:

"I think I need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"

"See, in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to set in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."

To a mother of three children, he said, "You work three jobs? ...Uniquely American,isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event which may or may not happen."

"A clear lesson I learned in the museum was that outside forces that tend to divide people up inside their country are unbelievably counterproductive."

"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."

Why the Lundehund is an Unusual Dog Breed

2008-06-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

He's a cute little guy, isn't he? Those pointed ears make him appear alert. His short-haired coat helps to define the muscles on his little body.

What makes him unusual? Besides the extra joints in the nape of the neck, he has a feature which helps him to climb steep slopes better than many other dogs. Can you see what that feature is in the photo?

If you can't see it too well, I can put up another photo. Do you want to see one which tells you more definitely why the lundehund can climb steep places so well? OK. Here it is.

Now you know, right? It is unusual in that it has six toes on each foot.

Do you know of other dog anomalies to share. Put them here as comments.

Do you have a valuable pet? Get Pet Insurance

Paul Revere's Ride--Trivia

2008-06-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

"Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.

On the eighteenth of April in seventy-five,
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year...."

Those lines from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's poem have been memorized by thousands of American school children over the years. I remember, as a junior high school student in Indiana, when the whole class was required by our English teacher to memorize this entire poem, along with many others.

I still recall various lines from the poems I memorized back then.

Now, I have a couple of trivia questions to ask you. To know if you have the right answers, comment on this post. I will then tell you if you are correct.

On what day of the week did April 18, 1775, fall?

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?