Looking For Work

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.
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What to retired people do for fun?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi crook.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a dirt-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Message from The Queen

To the Citizens of the United States of America


>From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.

5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

9.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


10.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).


11.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


12.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

13.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.


God Save the Queen

Porridge Facts

Nearly every American recognizes this man, the Quaker man used as the logo of the oatmeal company. Even outside the USA, this friendly face beckons people to stock up on oatmeal.

What is oatmeal? Why is it important to us? How do they make it so we can simply add hot water? When is Oatmeal Month? What else can we do with oatmeal besides use it for breakfast cereal?

Oatmeal month is January of each year. That is the cold month in the northern hemisphere, the month for having hot cereal for the beginning of the day.

It seems inconceivable that 80% of American families have oatmeal in their kitchen cabinets. No, it is NOT an old-people's food.

Quaker Oatmeal was the first breakfast cereal in the USA to have a registered trademark. It was also the first to offer trial-size packages. The trademark logo of the Quaker man has been updated only three times since 1877 when it first hit the market.

How do they make it? After the hull has been removed from the oat grain, it is called a groat. The old-fashioned oatmeal has had the groat steamed and rolled but not cut. On a stovetop, the old-fashioned oats that I grew up on takes five minutes to cook in boiling water. The quick groats that are ready to eat in a minute or less are groats that have been cut into three pieces (more or less) and steamed and rolled. This is the kind that I have nearly every morning nowadays.

Most people add milk to the cooked porridge (oatmeal). I usually make mine with hot water, milk powder and sugar. I use the instant variety.

What else can be done with oatmeal? Of course, oatmeal cookies are made with it. Some people also use it to make a bread. It makes a nice filler for meatloaf to keep it from being too wet.

Oats was one of the first cereals to be cultivated by humans. In China as far back as 7000 BC, oats was being raised as a food crop. As far as being made into a porridge, which is what oatmeal actually is, the ancient Greeks were the first to do it.

My favorite breakfast is oatmeal, a couple slices of crisp bacon and orange juice or hot tea. Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day.