Dubya's Home State

You really should apologize. It's too bad you were a 'right to life' state when he was conceived.

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you fooling me? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _________________________________________________________ I saved the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Medical Entries on Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

It Happened in the USA.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, it's open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi - rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

Which Genius Is It?

It seems that genius is often one-sided. A person can be a genius as far as a particular subject matter is concerned but almost a moron in other matters of life. Here is one genius and his particular eccentric ways.

He never learned to drive a car. I wonder why since driving a car is not such a difficult feat.

His interest in science seemed to be inaugurated by interest in a compass that his father gave him when he was about five years of age. Actually, many geniuses had this experience.

A syndrome was named after him, one which many genius children have. He did not speak much at all as a child but seemed to have some impediment in his speaking. He would practice what he wanted to say before saying it.

He fathered an illegitimate child before he finally married the child's mother. The marriage was not at all successful and became a purely legal situation with no intimacy after a few years.

Although he was a pacifist, he encouraged the building of the atom bomb. The USA army, however, considered this genius to be a security risk and did not allow him to help with the building of the bomb.

Who is this scientist who published The Theory of Special Relativity?

A New & Boring Subject--Chess

The game of kings and queens, what I mean is the game that kings and queens are supposed to really enjoy playing. I wonder why. Anyhow, let's think of some facts that you may not have known about this old game.

Of course, the word that chess players want to be able to truthfully say is "Check Mate". What does that phrase mean, and where did it originate? My source says that the term is from Iran (Persia before the country name change). The Persian phrase is "Shah Mat" carrying the meaning "the king is dead". In the game, when a player is at the point of saying "Check mate", he is the winner of the match. It is the point of the game, actually.

Guess what! Iran does not allow the playing of chess since the rule of Ayatolla Khomeini. The religious leader of the country claimed that the game could cause damage to the brain. In my opinion, the game may cause damage to a relationship if the chess player spends too much time online with chess matches.

We use a derivation of a chess word in our everyday language in English. The word 'rookie' is derived from the chess piece, the rook. Usually, the rook is one of the last pieces to play in chess. A rookie on a sports team is usually one of the last team players to be used in a real match.

Did I mention that I find the game boring? Well, according to theory, the longest chess game possible involved 5949 moves. I wonder how the person who counts those moves stays awake.

For board games with squares, I think checkers is superior, mostly because you can win or lose within about ten minutes. I may be too intelligent to want to spend hours on a board game when there are important things with which to use my time.

First Country on Earth to Outlaw Smoking?

It's a small place. The entire country covers only around one hundred square miles. It is a tropical paradise, at least it is tropical even if not exactly paradisical.

No shopping malls, no good surfing sites, no horseback riding since the pastures are missing, beaches are not the best in the world. In fact, water at the shore quickly drops off to deep spots.

NO SMOKING, though. Whoopee!! No second-hand smoke for us non-smokers. At least, that is what is being proposed. It make take a couple of years to accomplish, but the local government has considered making NIUE the first non-smoking country in the world.

The island is northeast of New Zealand by about 1500 miles. One of the towns has already decided to be smoke-free.

Go to this URL for more information about Niue: About Niue

What About This Thing?

You all know that I love horses, but what is this thing? Is it a horse? Why have I never seen one?

Yes, it's a unicorn. Is it a mythical creature? If so, why do I see its name in the Holy Bible?


One old song says that the reason we don't see them now is that they were mischievous during the loading of Noah's Ark and did not get on the boat. They all perished.

Those who claim it is a myth also say that it is a good creature rather than the bad creatures that myths often create. According to some old references the animal is fierce but in a good way. They also make claims about its solitary beauty. Some claim that the appendage on its head can make poisons non-toxic.

It is usually considered to be some type of horse nowadays although in the past it was pictured as having the beard of a billy goat and split hoofs, which horses do not have.

Although the animal is usually considered a 'wild' animal, it is lovable, just as the Koala or Panda are lovable. The creature seems to have preferred to not be around people but was gentle when it was forced to be with them.

Since I love horses, I would really like to see one for myself.

FREE Land in the USA

Would you like to own land in some particular state of the USA? Whether you would choose an exotic place such as Alaska or Hawaii or a more American type of place such as the Midwest, there is no charge if you use the services of a company called American Acres, Inc.


For all of the details go to their web site American Acres as they have some restrictions. Among those restrictions are the fact that you cannot sell the land for profit. Also, you may not retire on the land or build on it.

You may choose any state in the Union or even ask for land in every state. This program has been approved by the United States Securities and Exchange Commission.

Click on the link (above) for the particulars about this program.

Sorry! Time for Blond Jokes

We all know that we are not supposed to pick on ethnic groups. It is not nice or respectful. That is why I am not printing Polock jokes here.


Blonds are not of any ONE particular ethnic group. Thus, I can write things about them and their way of seeing the world, a way which does not always make sense to me.

Be aware that my oldest son is a blond. My wife had streaks of blond mixed in with the brunette and red in her hair. Of course, being part American Indian myself, I have no blond hair at all.

A FEW BLOND JOKES FOLLOW:

Q. How can you tell that a blond has been using the word processor?
A. By the spots of correction fluid on the monitor screen.

Q. What do a blond and a Pepsi Cola bottle have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. Why did the blond keep a coat hanger in the back seat of her car?
A. In case she ever locks her keys in the car.

Q. What did the blond say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A. Oh, look, a box of donut seeds.

Q. What did the blond name her pet zebra?
A. Spot

Q. What goes, "VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH"?
A. A blond going through a flashing red light.

Q. When a blond ordered a pizza, the clerk asked if he should cut it into six or twelve pieces.
A. Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Q. Did you hear about the blond who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Enough of that nonsense. Maybe I will publish something more sensible next time.