Cowboy Humor

Quotations

• "Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town."
  
• Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a drunk cowboy from any direction.
• If you've done it. it ain't braggin'!
• "A bronc' rider should be light in the head and heavy in the seat."
• "Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin's get ahead of his earnin's."

Cowboy Jokes

COWBOY & THE PREACHER
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

A cowboy lost his favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the
range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”


Cowboy in Australia

A cowboy from Texas goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Who Owns Hard Rock Cafe?

Well, most of the Hard Rock Cafes, four Hard Rock Hotels, two Hard Rock Hotel & Casinos combos and three Hard Rock Live! concert venues are now owned by people from the American Indian tribe that the man in the photo is a member of.

The tribe paid $965 Million for the package in 2006. Although the original Hard Rock Cafe near Hyde Park in London is not in the deal, its name was changed when the take-over was culminated.

The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas is also not in the deal to the native American tribe. It was bought Morgan's Hotel Group.

The Indians which bought the Hard Rock group is one which never signed a peace treaty with the USA. There are two branches of the tribe, one in Oklahoma and one in Florida.

Yes, of course, the Seminoles.

Student Versions of World History

As a retired school teacher, I realize that kids can be funny. Sometimes it is on purpose and many times because of their misunderstanding of what they supposedly learned.

Here are a few examples of the latter:

*Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

*Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlos mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

*The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

*One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Raul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

*Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg n the back of an envelope. he also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Admendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 13, 1965, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat bye one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

*Back was the most famous composes in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

*The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

*The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

And many, many more school kid errors.

Funny Ways to Save Money

The following are real suggestions, and then there are some funny ways to save money that you really shouldn't try.
Funny Ways To Save Money - The Real Suggestions

A creative penny pincher found a way to save money on a car wash. He washed his entire car using the squeegee at the gas station.

A woman confessed that she has the kids stuff their pockets with the free ketchup, salt and other condiment packets every time they were in a fast food restaurant. That's not all, though. She actually had the kids squeeze ketchup and mustard from the packets into regular jars of ketchup and mustard, and claims she hasn't bought these condiments in years.

To save money on an umbrella, one man suggests going to the lost and found department of any large public library. Tell them you lost a black umbrella. They will have several, from which you can pick the best one and claim it as your own.

Call people long-distance when you know they won't be home. Leave a message for them to call. That way, they pay for the long-distance call.

Don't pay baby sitters! Get young couples who are thinking about having kids to "rent" yours for the evening. They get to see what it will be like, and you can get paid instead of paying for sitters.

Turn off the TV and all the lights to save electricity. Tell the kids it's a game of hide-and-seek.

Train your dog to beg for food from strangers, so you won't have to buy dog food.

Visit friends around dinner time to get free meals.

If I write a book on ways to save money, funny or not, will I make much in sales, or will everyone take my suggestion and borrow it from the library instead of buying it?

Do You Want to Eat Here?

In Silicon Valley ###HARD DISK CAFÉ

Chinese Place ###POOH PING PALACE

Kosher Chinese ###SHALOM HUNAN

Japanese Place ###MISO HAPI

San Francisco Bar ###CLUB FOOT

Thai Restaurant ###THAI-TANIC

Rib Place ###BONES

Hot Dog Place ###FRANK-N-STEIN’S

Thai Restaurant ###THAIPHOONS

Seafood Shack ###SEA SENOR

Jewish Place ###LOX STOCK AND BAGEL

Korean Diner ###SEOUL MAN

Virginia Restaurant ###I DUNNO

Another Virginia ###I DUNNO EITHER
Restaurant nearby

Arizona Place ###MY BIG FAT GREEK RESTAURANT

Coffee Shop ###UNCOMMON GROUNDS

Bahama Seafood ###STONED CRAB

Hong Kong Place ###AH CHOO NOODLE HOUSE

Vegan Deli ###HOLY CHOW

Virginia Place ###NACHO MAMA’S

Seafood Place ###CRABBY OYSTER

A Woman Pulled Over for Speeding

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman : I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman : Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman : Murdered the owner?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman : Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2 : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman : Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

New Parking Law

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots...especially during evening hours...the Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Tesco shopping center. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh !

Business Mergers

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMM Good.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!