To the Citizens of the United States of America
>From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
9.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
10.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).
11.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
12.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
13.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
14.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.
God Save the Queen